Written by Zak Tillman
I started writing this story yesterday before anything got really good and interesting. But after what happened last night I felt like I needed a better introduction to fully explain the events that unfolded for Baker and I. No words can really describe how I feel about last night and I am writing this story embarrased and humiliated but also while laughing my ass off thinking about it. I dont know if thats a good sign or a bad sign. But I guess I’ll start from the beggining and explain the timeline from where we started and how i ended running back to the house from an apartment complex talking into my recording saying “I’m Zak Mother Fucking Tillman, I dont fuck fatties.” Yeah this will be a good one, if you dont think I’m an ass hole yet you most definitely will after this post.
So Baker and I decided that we needed to step up our beer pong skills for the tournament we are having next weekend, we wanted to practice all day and have plenty of beers to do it. So we go to Wal-Mart, buy beers and also t-shirts so we could make our official “League Of Clutch” shirts that we are wearing for the party. We ended up buy 3 cases…..each containing 30 keystones…..at the time we were only planning on us drinking all 90 beers, sadly thats not what happened but it was a solid idea at the time. So we get back to the house and start drinking around 5 p.m. Start off with a few intense games of pong and then we startedto step it up a little and keep tracks of wins, losses, number of misses andall that jazz. That didn’t last too long because I got bored writing all that shit and not drinking my beers fast enough. But it was a pretty good idea if you want to critique how you played. But anywho we are playing some pong and bull shitting. One of the best conversations we had.
Chris- “Could you imagine if 20 people like us were together in the same house?”
Zak- That would be awesome
Chris- “You wouldnt get any sleep at all, someone would always be challanging someone to beer pong.”
Zak- “Our production in life would drop off but we would be awesome pong players.”
Chris- “Yeah but we could videotape it and then sell it and thats how we would make our money.”
Zak- “Thats an awesome idea, we should do it.”
Zak- “Someone would be sleeping and then someone else would come banging on the door yelling CHALLANGE. They’d wake up yelling FUCK YOU, YOU CHALLANGED ME LETS GO BITCH YOU JUST A FUCKING AMATURE.”
Yeah that was a good one and a good idea, I dont know if there are 20 people like us in the world though so it might not be possible.
So we keep playing pong for awhile and the Chris gets a phone call from the girl who he has been fucking saying that her and a few of her friends wanna come over. And natrually we think its a great idea, im thinking hmm she brings friends over and we are both gonna get laid. How could this night end badly, well heres how. We were 19 games in when they got there and it was the girl who Chris is fucking 3 guys 2 of which I think might be gay the other one was there with his girlfriend who wasn’t very attractive. And then there was the fatty, now dont get me wrong she had a cute face but I shit you not she was easily a deuce, deuce and a half. My roommate who we will call Eli said the next morning that he pinned her at 250 lbs. Yeah not a good thing at all. But we played 8 more games of pong with them and then some people started leaving and i could tell Baker was ready to go upstairs with the girl. Now what was I to do, well I could go to bed and listen to Baker and the girl fuck all night. I could stay downstairs play madden and mess around on the computer or I could go home with the fatty and have my first fatty experience. A sober Zak would have know what to do. Play some Madden chat online and then whack off to some internet porn. Now the drunk and horny Zak…..yeah……lets just say he is a fucking moron. Now I have been good up to this part of my life, I’ve slept with 28 girls and im 19, and I have 0 stds, 0 kids (that I know about and thats all that matters) and 0 fatties. Well all of that is about to change, I decided to go home with the fatty if you hadn’t figured it out yet. We get there and she decides she wants to shower so i sit on the couch and watched some of “Alpha Dog” whiched sucked but she liked it so I said I did too so I could fuck. Not that I needed to impress her or try and convince her……shes a fatty she was lucky i came home with her and she knew it. But she gets out, we go to the bed and we start the forplay…..she made me work for it whiched pissed me off. WOMEN I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO. Lets fuck and get it over with. And we did, it was about half way in when I realized what I was doing, I stopped looked at her, threw up abit in my mouth and told her i was drunk and having a problem getting it up…..I wasn’t at all……..but I said I was gonna go smoke a cigarette to calm down and then i’d come right back. Well I think she knew what I was doing, she said she had to pee as i was getting my clothes on. I was trying to get them on as fast as I could but I couldn’t find my fucking socks. I got them on right as she was coming out and she said I’m coming with you. This scared the hell out of me, I could have been trapped. But I’m pretty quick on my feet, I got up and went right for the door. She asked where her keys were I told her as I was unlocking the door so she would think I was trying to help. When I got the door unlocked and was in the hallway I sprinted for the outside door and ran through the complex and through Ball State’s campus. I had my recorder on and with me as I was running and I will just give you guys some of what I said.
“Alright note to self….NO FATTIES. Alright heres the thing, Chris had his girl coming over to fuck, we played 27 games of beer pong…..man i need a smoke…..we were both drunk he was gonna fuck his girl. His girl brought a fatty with her, she had a cute face but she was a fatty. Well decided to take one for the team and go back to her apartment. As I was fucking her I said to myself…..dude your Zak Mother Fuckin Tillman, you dont mack on fucking fatties. I dont do that shit why would I fuck a fatty for. IM ZAK MOTHER FUCKING TILLMAN. Damn I just dropped my recorder hopefully you still work. But yeah uh so im doin the dirty dirty sadly, sadly im reiterating that as much as possible it was sadly. I tell this bitch, my dick wont get hard, im gonna smoke a cigarette and calm down so i can get my dick hard. This dumb bitch believes me, she actually doesn’t believe me at all. She was like alright i gotta pee, im trying to get my shit on and she says alright im coming with you. I shit you not I haul tailed my ass out of there. I bust out that fucking door and i sprinted out that door, across the apartment complex across the road and into Ball State campus. And uh yeah truth be told I aint never taking a back seat again, not for some fatty. I’d rather whack off to some porn man. That shit was nasty UGH I fucked a fatty knowingly. Oh well this will make an interesting story in the morning. Watch come knocking on our door trying to whip my ass. I’d be like fucking go away we dont want no fatties here. I dont know what Baker was thinking when he was fucking fatties but that shit is nasty. But damn…..damn. dammit droped my recorder again.”
Yeah that was probably the best of it, I’m not proud of what I did but I am happy that after all of that I was still thinking about my blog. Anyways I get home and Chris and the girl are in the middle of stuff and I come banging on the door, now im not usually a cock block but some stories are more important then sex and this in my mind was one of the stories. But he decides he wants to finish so i go downstairs and play Madden. Chris comes down with her sadly since it was her friend. I tell the story and hes laughing and she looks disgusted……I love that look lets me know im doing my job. But we argue and talk for awhile and they decide to go to bed, I was pissed cause Baker was acting like a bitch cause she was around but I understand we’ve all been there. But a third and forth party will now enter the story, our 2 other roommates heard all of what Baker and his girl were doing and they were texting each other and talking about it i’ll give you some of the dialogue. We will call one roommate Eli and the other one Kevin.
Eli- “Dont use the shower in the morning from future Kyle.”
Kevin- “HAHA, K
Eli- “But honestly though I wouldn’t use the shower, are you still awake?”
Kevin- Yah. Those dumb bitches have kept me in and out of sleep.”
Eli- “Do you know whos in the shower.”
Kevin- “No I can’t tell someone is though.”
Eli-” It’s Chris and some girl.”
Kevin- “LOL. R u sure? I can hear Chris’s voice. It sounds like their downstairs. Is it a fatty?”
Eli- “She’s decent sized.”
Kevin- “Lol, must be a tight squeze.”
Eli- “You have to see the fatty that Zak went home with.”
Kevin- “LOL well that might be better than him liking guys.”
Eli- “This sucks I can hear every little thing they do and say.”
Kevin- “Welcome to my world. they’re done though. Oh god whats on her face.”
Eli- “HAHA they are moving into Chris’s room you get to deal with it now.”
Kevin- “God dammit, what the fuck I cant get away from these sluts.”
Eli- “I hope he pisses on her again.”
Kevin- “Ha. I think he pissed in there again the other day and I hope he cant get it up like last time.”
Eli- “Did you know that the last time he pissed on her she woke up and thought it was wet cause she was sick and sweating?”
Kevin- “Lol, what a moron.”
Eli- “Well Im gonna try and go to bed durring this intermission.”
Kevin- “yeah good idea. Ugh I think i hear them again. Later.”
If you dont understand whats going on here I’ll be happy to explain it. Chris was having sex in the shower at first and my roommates could hear them and were texting eachother back and forth from their rooms. The Chris and the girl went to Chris’s room which is right next to Kyle’s room and he can always here it when Baker and I have girls over. But I just found that out this morning and though and thought it would be a new add to this blog. And a few more add ons that I didnt plan on having. I wake up this morning and Chris is pissed on the chair, I thought he was mad at me but then he said “I have a good edition to the blog.”
Zak- “Oh god what happened.”
Chris- “Well when we went to the gas station to get condoms my tire came off my rim.”
I sat there for a second and looked at him, got up without saying a word and walked outside to look. I just walked back in laughed and said “Yeah that makes sense.”
And the last add on, I went to eat with my grandparents, aunt and brother and I was telling my brother the story about the fatty outside Applebees smoking a cigarette. When I got done this cute girl leans around the corner looks at me laughs and says yeah I could hear that all the way over here…….I just looked back laughed and said “Yup that’s awesome.”
Needless to say I am no longer gonna fuck fatties and the funny thing is I ended up playing madden chatting online and whacking off……….next time i’ll make that the overal plan.